Millennials Officially Less Cool Than Boomers

So cool. Rides like a sofa on wheels, has room for six, can keep a bong on the floor for months without spilling.

So cool. Rides like a sofa on wheels, seats six in comfort, can be driven around with a bong on the floor for months without a single spill. Attracts cool chicks by the dozens due to its awesomeness.

Complaints about “young people today” go back to the Australopithecus complaining “those damn kids, what with their evolving, and their using tools to do things, and that whole standing erect thing…”

What generally drives these sorts of comments ranges from jealousy to a longing for time long past, and seem to originate with people harboring distinct tendencies towards schadenfreude; people that can’t be happy for anyone else’s joy.

Not in this case.

On my way home tonight I pulled up next to a lowered, neon-kitted car filled with kids listening to some of the worst of today’s horribly unoriginal formulaic music, and my first reaction was to think: “Well, that looks like an awful place to be trapped.”

My second: “It’s finally happened – for the first time in history it appears that the current generation my actually be less cool than the last.” I have data to back that assertion up. Consider the following two scenarios:

A) Smoking pot while hanging out in a beach parking lot at midnight and listening to a Led Zeppelin cassette blaring from poorly mounted 6×9 speakers that were stolen from Caldor’s and installed in the back of a 1975 Chevy Malibu while you discuss the relative merits of the latest Clash album with a bunch of chicks that aren’t wearing bras and love to make out, or…

So fucking stupid. Rides like a go kart, bottoms out pulling into, well, any driveway anywhere, almost as effective at attracting cool chicks as lighting your farts.

So stupid. Rides like a matchbox car, seats 3 1/2 in misery, and bottoms out pulling into any driveway anywhere, making it tough to drink Red Bull without spilling it on your Abercrombie t-shirt. Attracts cool chicks about as well as lighting your farts.

B) Huffing Dust-Off in the Office Max parking lot crammed into a lowered Honda Civic with boy-racer bodywork, fake neon mounted under the dash, and over-sized faux chrome tailpipes that sound like a someone in gastric distress is farting into a plastic bottle while Lady Gaga or Taylor Swift is excreted from a bass-heavy stereo system and the two chicks crammed in the back seat try to shout over it to discuss the relative merits of the most recent book in the Twilight series.

I rest my case.

18 Comments

  1. jo

    you nailed it, except I’m thinking that bong spilled a few times and that car never quite got the smell out.

    😉

    laws of gravity coupled with a ’75 Malibu suspension.

    Reply
  2. tiggy

    liked this post a lot. I’m in your cool gang!

    Reply
    1. Brad

      Thanks Tigs – plenty of room in the car. I noticed you have a company called Future Primitive – same name as the design on my circa 1985 Lance Mountain Powell Peralta skateboard. So we’ve got that in common too.

      Reply
      1. Ann

        1985 skateboard? And you remember that? I’m not sure I remember *anything* from 1985!

        Reply
  3. Ann

    The Honda is hilarious. It puts me in the ‘cool’ category, I guess, to think that this is the first generation that is not only less cool than the one before, it is also less well educated, less likely to be better off than their parents, and less likely to be taller and healthier than their parents. Poor them.

    And how likely was it that you and your friends would get into a fight after smoking a joint? Unlike the skunk of today, grass rendered you pretty much incapable of anything but the giggles!

    Reply
  4. Teresa

    To quote the fabulous Babs in Chicken Run, “Are those our only two choices?”

    Reply
    1. Brad

      Why on earth would you need more? The ’75 ‘bu is calling your name.

      Reply
      1. Teresa

        Good gawd, I hope not! That’d mean I ingested/inhaled something I shouldn’t have.

        Reply
  5. tiggy

    how could you NOT remember a skateboard of such status?! i know my ‘boyfriend’ Matt would give his life savings (if he had any) for that board.
    Yes, FuturePrimitive was named after one of my favourite skate vids…still got a copy too.

    Reply
    1. Brad

      It’s particularly hard to forget because it’s hanging on the wall of the room I write in. I’d still be skating it but it had a horrible accident – my son left it out in the driveway and it got run over and snapped – not completely in half (awesome construction) but obviously unskateable. Replaced with a reissue of the Caballero Bats and Bones board, but the construction just isn’t as nice. Still have the original Indy 169s and Lime Green Powell Peralta Street Cubes on the repleacement though (had to redrill the truck plates).

      The deck I REALLY want is the original Mini Cab (as in Caballero) that I had stolen from in front of my house in DC back right before I bought my Lance Mountain to replace it. Favorite board ever. Though my 49″ Sector 9 long board with AMAZING Gullwing Charger trucks is pretty fucking badass.

      Reply
    2. Brad

      Just found a couple on Ebay BTW – Only 50 bux for a kinda beat up deck, but it’s cheap (has yucky tail bones on it) : http://cgi.ebay.com/VINTAGE-SKATEBOARD-DECK-POWELL-LANCE-MOUNTAIN-PRIMITIVE_W0QQitemZ190339655993QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item2c5120a939

      Then a nicer one complete, but blue, and over 200 bux, with horrid grip tape (easy to fix though) – Mine is natural wood, not stained.

      http://cgi.ebay.com/POWELL-PERALTA-Lance-Mountain-Skateboard-Great-Vintage_W0QQitemZ250511678914QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item3a53a8ddc2

      Reply
  6. tiggy

    oh my god. YOU RULE!
    i read out that last comment to Matt and he laughed and said ‘wow’. he remembers the lance board, and the cab bats n bones..and when you mentioned the mini cab…his eyebrows raised and he goes ‘yeah, my god’.
    i’ve hung out with skaters for most of my life (36 now), so have been subjected to all them movies….all them decks….all that music….all that life.
    i ain’t complaining…wouldn’t be who i am today if it wasn’t for skating.
    i could never really ride a board..but i did learn to ollie, if i only ever managed one, it’s more than most girls!
    So….since we’re on a roll, check out these 2 posts from matt’s blog.

    http://wwwfaline.blogspot.com/2009/05/veterans-day-out.html

    http://wwwfaline.blogspot.com/2009/02/bombing-hill.html

    you two could talk the world away i’m sure.

    say hi to jo jo

    PS: so sorry lance got run over!
    Tigs

    Reply
  7. Eric

    Confession: In high school, I rode around in a Renault Encore listening to hair bands, so I lessened our generation’s cool factor significantly.

    Reply
    1. Ann

      Eric, I can beat that. I rode around in my dad’s American Motors vehicle! But I’m sure I must have looked pretty cool anyway!

      Reply
    2. Brad

      Could have been worse. Could have been a Renault Le Car.

      Reply
  8. Ann

    Of course, we now should start a threat about what our generation did to lower the cool average!

    Reply
  9. Jen

    Would reading Twilight be acceptable if I did it in a Malibu?

    Reply
  10. Joanna

    I STILL think this is a riot!

    Reply

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